My wife wrote a guest entry for this blog today, in which she (reluctantly) admitted I had been right about something. I'm going to return the favor, with regard to a disagreement we had 20 years ago.
At that time, I was 24 and had just saved up enough to purchase my first motorcycle. I was also planning a hiking trip with a few buddies to the Southwest. So when my wife announced she was pregnant, I was dumbstruck. I might have to sell the motorcycle. No more road trips with friends.
Oh, sure, we had discussed the idea of having kids, but it seemed to me that our discussions were always in that abstract, "Sure honey I want to have kids let's start right now" sort of way. Did I mention I was 24 at the time?
Twenty-four, you see, was her outer limit for getting started on child-rearing. If she had her way, she would have had our first child at 22 or so, but I was too busy "living life" to settle down and have children. I'm like a lot of people in my generation, who wanted to spend their 20's traveling, working in coffee shops, and playing the bongos in black turtlenecks at night for free drinks. Having kids? That's something most of our peers started in their mid to late 30's. But my wife was adamant that it was better to start a family when we were young. Looking back, this was a pretty serious difference of opinion between the two of us, and I actually think she was pretty sneaky about getting her way, exploiting my limited understanding of the human reproduction system like that.
But you know what? She had the right idea. Most of my co-workers are now in their 40's and have kids in elementary school. They're going to be in their mid to late 50's when their kids leave home. And right now they are insanely jealous of us. But I think having kids early has other benefits as well: As younger parents, we had much more energy to expend on our small children. And because we had little in the way of careers, we also had no money - which forced us to learn to live frugally early on. And that too has paid off.
So it's worked out pretty well for us so far. And while it might not be right for everyone, I do believe there are couples out there who convince themselves they "should" have a mortgage, and careers, and a 401K before they have kids. But you know what we found? Your children won't remember how much money you had when they were little. They just remember the sandcastles.
Dan,
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with both sides. We waited a while to start having kids and enjoyed our first years of marriage getting to know each other and finishing the process of all the "things we just had to do". We are those older parents who have a little more security when we had kids, but we will have to work past retirement age until our kids graduate. I will say, as we are finishing this degree and soon to start another that we are kicking ourselves for not doing this before small children when we had all that "free time". I'll have to let you know how it works out...
-Liz
Thanks Liz, I suppose that's just how it goes when you decide to have kids - there's a period of your life for 20+ years when you are dedicated to raising them, and some other things get set aside.
ReplyDeleteDan, this is interesting because after five years of trying to get pregnant in our early to mid-thirties, my wife and I have recently decided to stop trying for a variety of reasons - but one of those reasons is because of the age factor. As you indicate, we would have been 60 by the time we'd have gotten a child through an undergraduate degree.
ReplyDeleteI think those of us with kids tend to take parenthood for granted. Having seen my sister go through something similar to what you describe, I know it's difficult. I hope you are able to find all of life's fulfillment in other avenues.
ReplyDelete-Dan
My husband and I planned our children 4 years apart. It worked out well because I was coming out of my "burn out" from the first one and was actually ready for the next one. I had my first at 25 and my second at 30. It seems that most of my friends are well into their 40's and almost 50 with the same age children. They will be close to 60 when their children finish college. I am 36 and believe that it all worked out in our favor. By the time our smallest finishes college, I will be 50. Hopefully, that will give me plenty of time to recover my finances for retirement!
ReplyDelete~Tanya
Thanks for sharing your story Tanya! Speaking as a 45 year-old empty nester, I think you will be happy with your choices in the end. However, as Barry so rightly points out below, you just can't put any price or value on those magical moments with a child, no matter your age.
DeleteDan
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you are saying and my story starts very similar to yours. I had a son at 24, but changes slightly when I had my second son at 40. Many people think we are crazy for "starting again" but my 4 year old is leaning on my arm right now while I type this and I can't imagine life without him.
-Barry
Wow, you are crazy Barry. No, I'm just kiddIng. :)
DeleteI've been called crazy for some life choices also, but I wouldn't change any of them. We all have to follow our own paths to fulfillment, and I'm sure your sons will bring you happiness for the rest of your life. Yours is a great story!